Lately I've been really inspired to share about my journey even more so recently. It takes so much courage for me to be able to share the intimate details of my life as a lot of them haven't been pretty up until recently so I'm just going to go ahead and take a blind step forward trusting what I feel called to do for myself, for my healing and to honor my path as something to be celebrated no matter how it may have looked.
When I first started my spiritual path I sold a lot of my belongings because I did not want to be identified with those things anymore. I had always been taken care of financially and all of a sudden one day I didn't have the money I had anymore for reasons I won't go into now and I had no idea how to work let alone take care of myself in the world because I had never learned. I began to go from job to job and in the process the one person/mentor that was helping me died. I couldn’t afford to live where I was living anymore and the only choice I had was to move back home, a place to say the least was somewhere I was happy to be away from. So going back there felt like a nightmare realized. I didn’t get along with my family and felt I had nowhere to turn. I started to fight my spiritual path confused why no one would help me in the way I wanted. I was popular in my old life, or so I thought, I had gotten into a top college, been classically trained in cello until I was eighteen and was an over achiever, but in my new world I wasn’t popular, and I all of a sudden felt like an outcast and my entire existence changed and I didn’t understand why. My life had completely flipped upside down and for about eight years straight I struggled to keep any job. I would get one and loose it or get one again and move out only to loose it and have to move back in again, this happened repetitively. Nothing came easy to me. In the process of these eight years I became more and more aware of spirituality because although I fought it something in me was strong enough to return to it and I kept using it to heal myself on my own. I used everything as a tool to go deeper. It was like when you crush a coal with such deep force it turns into a diamond. My present and past experiences were the ones crushing me into a diamond. I had no money, I was living in a tiny room and I had some of my darkest points.
Now in these dark points when I was by myself as they got deeper and deeper I began to have moments of deep spiritual experiences that felt so real and profound and uplifting they would snap me out of my sadness. It was like they were piercing through the shadow of the experience I was having. I wasn’t even sure how I was doing this. It was the only thing that kept me believing and seeing past the trials that were coming forward. When I would have these experiences I felt the greatness of my being and the power of who I was beyond this world. I started trying to express these experiences and they came out through art, music and poetry in ways I had never experienced before. I felt completely satiated in this healing experience that was happening within me and would use it all to guide me. I kept going and used everything as a reflection to heal myself and one day something happened, a profound and apparent shift took place and things started to get better. It’s not that my dreams all came true because they haven’t yet, things definitely didn’t look like I wanted them too but things started to drastically change. It was like I was starting over in a new life again armed with my spirituality, healing, and creativity and the knowing of my power. I got through it and that was enough and part of me was grateful for this new person I had become because it was more loving and profound then I ever knew it was before this experience.